Wednesday, 9 November 2011

I am fed up.

I am trying not to be but I am royally fed up.

I think I need to take a wee break from blogging until I rediscover my mojo as it were.

Friday, 4 November 2011

Dear Mum (5)

Dear Mum,

I am 30.

When you were 30 you had a 3 year old Cass, a 1 year old Little B and were pregnant with Mummy L. The problems that were to come down the line had not manifested themselves at this point in all our lives. These were probably your most glorious days and years - I wish they were longer.

For my 30th birthday Husband got me my first "proper watch". I adore it.

I already have a "proper watch". Your watch. It gets admired and complimented and I do love it. But I find it hard to wear. Such a strange thing to write but it is bound with such a complicated set of emotions.

At 19, when it and your engagement ring, came to me I really struggled. I was too young to wear jewellery like that. Under circumstances like those.  My jewellery was up to that point was relatively cheap but my own, with my own memories and my own reasoning. So I kept them safe and locked away. I would try them on when my own grief wasn't trying to choke me. Decide that they were still yours and not ready to be worn by me. Yet.
                     My Beautiful Birthday Present

I can wear your engagement ring more easily than your watch. It is beautiful and sparkles and I haven't ever seen anything like it on anyone else. I adore how unique it is. When it was given to you it was filled with love and hope. When it came to me it was filled with sadness, but it's relentless sparkle and reminder of what it symbolised make it a piece that I enjoy wearing. I look forward to passing it onto my daughter one day- when it is filled with love again and she knows nothing of the sadness that came to be associated with it.

Your watch is different.

It has a weight to it that feels strange. The way it sits on my wrist is impossibly like how it sat on your for all those years. It takes a couple of days of wearing for it to settle into my unconscious. I have also had to grow into wearing it and I think age has brought a confidence in my ability to wear it. I found myself trying to explain this to my brother in law. I am not sure I was able to make a coherent explanation of it. So I thought I'd write to you about it.

The story of how you got it is one I will never know. I confess at one point I thought seriously about selling it and replacing it with a watch of my choosing. When it came to it I couldn't. Loosing either piece would break my heart. But I would give them both away in a split second if it meant that I could have another day with you, here and now. So you could see what kind of women your girls have become, what has happened to our family since you passed and give me the kind of reassurance that only a mother can.

To ask you a question that I could have asked years ago but was too afraid to confront you with.


In all likelihood if we had that day together I wouldn't be able to confront you with about it. It would be just as it always was- enjoy the good while it lasts don't discuss the bad in case it contaminates the precious balance that you have found.

I wish I could understand why and what I could have done differently to save you.

Love, as always


                                                                                                                                                       If only it were as straight forward  as this