Thursday, 1 July 2010

To Treat or Not to Treat

In the last 7 months I have had three "treats" and would have more however I am in a quandary. These treats have occurred in a variety of different circumstances: a post exam treat, a hen treat and finally a Girlie Escape treat. And they have manifested in the form of a full body massage.

It's quite an unusual experience if you have never had one before, as I have had three I consider myself an expert. I have tried them in Edinburgh, in Peebleshire and in the Lake District. And each of them have been an experience that I am learning from (in the way that a dog struggles to learn from the fake stick-throwing trick).

I have yet to spend a full hour in the presence of a masseuse without secretly screwing up my face. This latest experience has left me in a bit of a state and rather than walk you through the previous two - trust me that they were similar in that they also have this fake pleasure actual pain thing going on.

It was a full hour of "Oh yeah, so good this is heaven" with a serious overlay of "Oh my God. Is this woman actually trying to kill me one muscle/knot/body part at a time?!?!?!!!!!!".

This treat was on Saturday afternoon, I write this on Sunday evening and I still feel like a chicken breast that has been tenderised by a very unhappy Gordon Ramsay who has moved between using a mallet to tenderise to knuckle dusters to his teeth. A very, very unhappy Gordon Ramsay.

They say that pain is good and maybe in this particular scenario I should have assumed the foetal position in the sauna after the massage (biting my knuckle to stop crying and gently rocking back and forth). In an attempt to use a bit of heat therapy to ease the life back into my back muscles. Instead in my infinite wisdom got into a relatively cool pool and started knocking out the lengths, All 90 of them. . . maybe that is why I ache so badly.

No, I am not going to take the blame for this one, I am going to point the finger to the masseuse with a grudge. I can do that based on the fact that the previous 2 experiences were similar ( and didn't include a 1 mile swim). It seems the friendlier and more unassuming they are, the more powerful the are. They walk around the bed bare foot so you cant tell where the next strike is going to occur.

In part some of this is my own fault. She did actually give me a get out clause and I didn't take it.

"Is this pressure alright, do you want me to be more gentle or harder?"

Any sign of weakness and she was going to capitalise on it, I am convinced she could smell the fear.

"Oh that's lovely (wince). Actually if you find any knots- just go for it. Don't hold back"

Those were my actual words!

"...Don't hold back" !!!!!!!

What was I thinking?

She found what would appear to have been a tennis ball growing under my left shoulder blade. And in a display of what can only be called true professionalism, she listened to what her Client wanted. She did not hold back. If anything I think she might have been using my shoulder blade as some sort of anger management tool.

Maybe there are no such things as knots. They are the creation of an angry woman being paid to torture other women without being held to account in a court of law for physical assault.

You would think that I had learned from the first massage- please see my earlier comment about the fake stick throwing trick - they are actually nice. Its the lying down in a dark room I think. The calming music. The area around the "knot" is amazingly nice and the moments before the masseuse realises that she is dealing with a knot as opposed to actual bone is nice.

I think the next time I might opt for a facial. . .

courtesy of

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