Legs, Bums & Tums

I have been attending a legs, bums and tums class regularly for about 3 months now. I like it. It offers a number of insights and observations to the human condition. Specifically the female psyche.

We are mentally unbalanced. We must be.

Tonight I found myself jumping on and off of a mobile bench to a loud dance tune that had a military beat to it. If I had enough energy I would have thrown an arm into the air and shouted "Heil Frau Kelly". She was taking no prisoners tonight and the theme was death by military style circuits- it was scary how easy it was to fall into a rhythm and keep up with the pace. Brutal but possible. Well nearly possible.

In attending these classes I have come across a number of different types of aerobic "crazy".

• The Vein One

In the 3 months I have been going to these classes I have participated in this madness on early on a Saturday morning. You get to know the regular faces. One such face attends not only LBT but the follow up Body Pump.

Last week she saw me, made eye contact and waved her arm. "Come to the front" she called out. I couldn't really ignore her but I thought it was just to fill the void she was currently standing on the edge of. By getting me to stand next to her I would then be helping to fill that void. I thought it would be good manners to introduce myself, so when I turned and said " My name is Cass, by the way" I was surprised to find I was being totally ignored.

The Vein One was standing looking at herself in the mirror with her top lifted so she could admire her stomach.

But my introduction had been said loud enough that others might have over heard. I was committed and in a louder voice I said "My name is Cass". That got a reaction. "Oh, sorry. I've been working on this stomach for the last 3 years and am really quite vein about it". So what I had thought was an introduction by a fellow LBTer was just an opportunity to for this girl to tell a random stranger about her abs. At least she was honest, she is vein!

• The Novice

Really this person shouldn't be at the middle or the back of the class but right and centre at the front. This person was me last year.

Pre LBT I was a regular "stepper". Now with little co-ordination and a high degree of clumsiness what follows will not come as a surprise. These classes were eventually cancelled- not as a result of my clumsiness but as a result of poor attendance. I can only think it was because the routines became ever increasingly complex. To the point where during one lunch time class I tripped.

Not a quiet stumble that is discreetly recovered but a full blown throw yourself across the room trip. I was travelling across the top of the step when my left leg caught the back of my right knee (don't ask me how- I have no idea) but the next thing I knew was that I was flying. Across the room onto my bum with a thump. A soft landing, right enough, but not without the instructor loosing her own composure and laughing at my misfortune.

Un dettered I got up completed the routine and left. Very red faced.

• The Posse

There may be comfort in numbers but I am not sure how much solace you can take when during the hour none of your group have the co-ordination to break a sweat. A group of 4 women nervously came in one Saturday morning (fortunately not the same day I was introduced to Vein ab girl) and spent the hour frowning as they tried to lunge, squat and sit up in time with the rest of the class.

It's not that I have superior co-ordination, anything but, however seeing that other women have similar issues brings nothing but a smile to my face. Unfortunately they didn't make it to any other classes, at least none that I have been to.

I can only guess that the morning after they were in too much pain to make it to the phone to book in for next week?!

Ever the optimist!





When the "crisis" comes I will be ready to lunge, squat and sit-up my way out of it. I am booked in for next week and will be attempting to distract myself from the pain by trying to understand what motivates a woman to inflict unspeakable pains on herself.