Dear Mum (1)

Dear Mum,
 
It has been a long time since I curled up and wrote you a letter, years in fact, but you have been on my mind a lot recently so I thought I would write. 

I am not really sure where to start. 10 years is a long time.

It's amazing the imprints one person can leave on another, especially between a mother and a daughter.  The imprint you have left on me has been huge. It's a void that is impossible to fill and at times I struggle to understand how I should cope with it and if indeed I am. As the years go by, somehow it doesn’t seem to diminish your absence any.

I've graduated from uni, twice now, and got married to a wonderful man. 

Without you. 


Little sis is going for her second degree and is going to be married this year. 

Without you.


Littlest sis is married, living in Canada and is going to be a mother herself in a couple of months. 

Without you.

You have missed all this. 

Not through any choice. I think if you had a choice you'd have been around for all of these things. You would have fought tooth and nail to be around for all of these things and the things that are to come. But you were helpless weren't you. You were heartbroken and helpless.

However you have never been far from our thoughts. In each and every single one of these things. These events in our lives are ever so slightly less sparkly than they might have been. But I hear your distinctive laugh when ever I find myself thinking " I can't believe I have thrown tomato ketchup across a restaurant" or "I can't believe that we nearly flooded our kitchen when the isolation taps were under the sink the whole time". Or any one of a number of situations that is so unbelievably ridiculous that I find myself smiling and laughing. And thinking of you. What you'd say through tears of laughter.


Your should know that you were the inspiration for this blog.


Lots of love, always

Cass
xx