Sunday, 14 August 2011

Dear Cass (2)

Dear Cass,

It's me again- the you from the future.

You are just about to turn 20 and have just about made it through your Year of Firsts.

This has been a really strange time. People have reacted in a really funny way. Some haven't changed and treat you just the same as always- they are blessings. While others feel uncomfortable and don't seem to know how to talk to you. You try to make them feel better by being overly normal- laughing slightly louder than you mean too, smiling more than you feel like and being more enthusiastic and energetic than you can really be bothered with. You are keeping your grief as private and personal as you can. Only your best friend at uni knows the sense of loss your feeling but you still try to "bounce back", stay resilient and keep going.

You're still quite angry and confused but you are having really vivid nightmares and for the first time in your life that you can remember you are waking up in the night crying. There is nothing anyone will be able to say to you to make you feel better, but don't be angry about their pity. You can't stop it and pretending your more normal than usual to put people at their ease is pointless. So don't feel guilty.

The best thing you do is get some counselling. At least it will help to stop you from punishing yourself and sleep. The guilt will ease, though not really disappear altogether, age and time will bring comfort and new perspectives that will see the anger dissipate.

One flatmate will knock on your door and come in to ask you something. They wont say anything about the tears that are pouring down your face. They don't need to. They just climb onto the bed quietly, hold you close until you are calm and give you a kiss on the top of your head. You never found out what he wanted but you are relieved that he didn't walk back out and pretend he hadn't seen you or that he stood awkwardly waiting for you to sort yourself out.

You are pleased that he came in and love him secretly a little bit more. It is never awkward and you don't discuss it and nothing visible changes in your relationship with him for now.

In a moment of personal pain and anguish this silent moment of love between friends has given you such comfort that you know you'll be fine.

Hang Tough Kid

(29 years & 359 days old)


  1. Oh Cass. In the same year, I was so close to being the described girl it's not funny. *hug* Be proud of your strength. Proud that you cared enough about other people to try to save them from the sadness. But be proud to that you got help, and that you gathered friends who would see through it and be there.

    Your mum would be EVER so proud of you. xx

  2. Thanks Lisa-Marie, giant HUG back xx

    I couldn't have done it without a decent set of friends and family!

    I still have wobbly days, but who doesn't and there are others out there who have been through worse.